Take everything out that you know about the ‘Super Mario Bros.’ games. Get rid of the Mushroom Kingdom, say goodbye to coin collecting, and how come Princess Peach isn’t in the movie at all? Well, it’s okay, because we have Princess Daisy (everybody’s real favourite Mario princess). Add in a city ruled by humanoid dinosaurs? Include interdimensional travelling, and have I forgot something? Oh yeah, that’s right, don’t forget about everybody’s favourite obstacle from the games, the fungus.

The result is the 1993 live-action film version of ‘Super Mario Bros.’. A movie that has made me to include Big Bertha as a ‘Mario Kart’/’Super Smash Bros.’ character, because she’s the real Mario character that the games need.

So what’s the film about, well it’s about Bowser (a.k.a. Koopa) kidnapping Princess Daisy, a big of a twist from the original games whereas Peach also got kidnapped from Bowser. But in all seriousness, the film is about a land filled with dinosaurs, whereas a long time ago, a meteor hits the Earth “Goodbye Dinosaurs” (a line from the narrator). But apparently, the meteor only killed a handful of dinosaurs among impact, and the lucky survivors created another dimension where a city was created, populated by humanoid dinosaurs. I’m not drunk, that’s the first two minutes of the movie. So time jumping 20 years earlier, I guess in our time, a baby gets placed in front of an Orphanage, where the baby is literally born out of an egg, who wears a necklace that has a part of the meteor, the same meteor that hit the Earth and created another dimension. Time jumping again to “Now”, we see Mario and Luigi are Brooklyn’s popular plumbing service called Mario Bros., but when Daisy gets kidnapped, it’s up to the Mario Bros. to save the day.

I don’t know where to begin with this movie, the characters are not themselves, with the exception of Yoshi being a dinosaur. I’m surprised he isn’t a human son of Mario’s. Toad is a singer, Koopa is a lizard, Mario and Luigi are wearing the opposite colours, until the last act of the movie. It’s like the filmmakers only knew about the characters names, and decide let’s make a movie about the hottest videogame series of the time ‘Super Mario Bros.’ and see the cash come in without even trying to be like the games. If this movie was titled Plumber Brothers vs. the City, then I might find little enjoyment out of this movie, but the fact the name ‘Super Mario Bros.’ is the film’s official name, which looks nothing like the game, makes this film hard to watch.

Bob Hoskins tries, but even with the cast trying, the film has faults and plot holes abound, with little to no character development whatsoever. Daisy is probably the character that gets fleshed out the most. And there’s a granny with a gun!

This movie should have been like ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’ where it makes the audience feel like they are watching a film, that acts like a videogame.

This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, with no fun, light on story and campy visuals, ‘Super Mario Bros.’ fails at all levels (figuratively and literally).

Can’t wait for that sequel.